Without exception and across the globe, people’s lives have been changed by the pandemic and the continuing rebound of families and businesses. And everyone is navigating the dramatic increase in the digital world. Just try to keep teens off of their smartphones! Regardless of the challenge, there is one emotional intelligence skill that can make a difference in all relationships—empathy!
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
Empathy is the ability to understand what others are feeling and experiencing, no matter who or where they live. The coronavirus is teaching us in a brief amount of time how critical social caring, social intelligence, and social responsibility are.
Empathy acts as a bridge between ourselves and others, which allows us to stay safely connected in difficult times. Without this emotional intelligence quality, we underestimate our role and responsibility individually and collectively.
Anxiety, fear, and panic are sweeping the minds and lives of many. This challenge before us is why empathy is so critical right now. Empathy assuages tension; it acts as a comforting agent. When a person feels understood and connected to others, anxiety and fear dissipate.When quarantines were in place, confinement increased the feelings of isolation and disconnectedness. But we can feel alone even with no restrictions unless we know others care and are watching out for us. Empathy holds the potential to connect us from afar.
As I was leaving my office recently, I received a phone call from a woman (we’ll call her Judy) who lived thousands of miles away. She was ridden with guilt and felt very alone. Judy told me right away that she thought she lacked empathy and her thoughtlessness had hurt her daughter’s feelings, with whom she was living with currently. She had overstepped by giving unwelcome parenting criticism; advice unasked for can really shake a young mother.
The first thing Judy needed was self-compassion and a dose of empathy! She was harshly judging herself for crossing a line unintentionally. We all make mistakes. Especially at a highly stressful time, it’s natural to react without thinking and seek to control another’s behavior, especially if we see a better way.
Related reading: "How to Talk with Empathy—and What to Avoid!"
Their family is under tremendous duress, like so many others. On top of health concerns, routines have been disrupted. In this situation, the multi-generational living situation increased tension. When we’re feeling helpless, yet, we need to be strong, in these moments, empathy is a hero.
However, it’s hard to extend empathy or compassion to others without first providing it to ourselves. As I empathized with and consoled Judy, she began to understand its healing power. It was like watching window shades rise and sunlight fill a room; in this case, the room was her heart.
It cuts through the grease and removes the dirt blocking a clear view of another’s perspective. Empathy clears the static that conflicting emotions can create. It allows us to extend compassion for their experience, emotions, and unique challenges, even when we might have approached a situation differently.
Related reading: “What Is Empathy and Why Is It Important?”
Empathy revealed so much unacknowledged pain. Judy missed her own home and daily rituals. She felt like a burden to her daughter and son-in-law. There was a continual irritation of varying parenting styles and the everyday strain of living in someone else’s home.
From her daughter’s perspective, there was worry about maintaining the health of her young child. Her daughter was most likely concerned for her mother and the enormous responsibility of having a high-risk senior to care for. And to add to the complexity, there was a subtle pressure of having a grandparent living with her and her husband for months.
If that’s not enough, they were also adjusting to her husband working at home for the first time, neither exercising nor having time alone nor as a couple. And then there’s the fatigue of money challenges, too. Whoa!
Are you starting to realize just how much empathy is a hero? It dissolves the walls we build to protect ourselves and unearths tender feelings we didn't even know were buried.
After Judy felt heard and understood, she could then see her daughter’s viewpoint. Soon after, the next insecure feeling popped up. She said, “Now I can see how insensitive I was to criticize my daughter’s parenting, but now what? How do I mend the rift with my daughter?”
When a relationship experiences a rift, and we have hurt someone we love, a repair is needed. However, many people don’t know where to begin. These apologies can be tense conversations, but if we can lean into the discomfort, the outcome is greater closeness and new understanding. We talked about different ways she could approach her daughter until one resonated and felt authentic to her.
If you struggle like Judy to understand another’s perspective or to empathize, it’s worth learning this tool and practicing until the skill becomes natural.
Related reading: “The Power of Empathy: More than a Band-Aid for the Heart”
Much of my coaching with individuals, couples, and parents, as well as my leadership consulting in companies, is devoured by teaching empathy. So much so, that I created a short, self-coaching workbook, "Real Empathy, Real Solutions: 4 Keys for Unlocking the Power of Empathy." Now people can begin to learn it inexpensively and in the comfort of their own homes.
There is no skill more worthy of your investment of time. Empathy holds the power to transform the most strained relationship. Once mastered, it’s a lubricant that makes interactions smooth and peaceful. Working like Windex for the heart, it clears away the debris that blocks our love.
Give empathy a try. Then you’ll be able to give it to yourself and to others in this challenging season of our lives.
For personalized support, contact us at support@Heartmanity.com to learn more about our coaching programs.