Self-care was edited out of my vocabulary growing up and replaced with “selfishness.” It was much more glamorous to my mom—a word hammering me throughout my childhood like the cold Montana blizzards.
Hmm. Self-care vs selfishness.
Is self-care selfish? Is it self-preservation? Or is it self-love?
Estimated reading time: 4 minutes
When we experience trauma or neglect as children, we treat ourselves much the same way as adults until we learn otherwise.
Why?
Because the message was clear: we were not a priority, our needs didn't matter.
However, when we grow up with secure attachment, positive parenting, and love, self-care as adults is a natural part of healthy living because it mimics how we were treated as children.
People who care for themselves know the secret of happiness: to thrive, not just survive.
For many years, I was in the surviving game, working nonstop, forgetting to eat, and caretaking as a good people pleaser to the needs of everyone but myself. Some would call that selflessness. It is in a sense because there is no acknowledgment of the basic needs of the self—just like when I was a child.
How many people would stop breathing because it was “selfish”?
None.
How many people go on hunger fasts because eating is selfish?
None.
So why do we think to care for ourselves is selfish? Where did we ever get the idea that we can live, give, and serve without first giving to ourselves?
I think that self-care grows for a person in direct correlation to how much they love themselves.
Related Reading: What’s All the Fuss About Self-Care?
Self-care and selfishness are distinct concepts with different intentions and outcomes.
Of course, our brains are wired for self-interest and self-preservation, so our first responsibility is to care for ourselves. Yet, we live in families and communities that require us to also build relationships and outcomes that are equitable.
Self-care is about nurturing yourself in a way that ultimately benefits you and those around you. It is a natural process to maintain or improve our physical, mental, and emotional well-being without negatively impacting others. It includes all actions that helps us keep our equilibrium, manage stress, fulfill our needs and ensure that we are at our best for our families, jobs, and community.
As Ayn Rand so aptly said,
"Do not make the mistake of thinking that an individualist is [someone] who says, 'I'll do as I please at everybody else's expense.' An individualist is a [person] who recognizes the inalienable individual [human] rights—[theirs] and those of others."
Selfishness is an attitude and mindset with behaviors that are solely focused on fulfilling one's own needs and desires without considering others.
It takes the form of prioritizing personal gain at the expense of others, disregarding the impact of one's words and actions on others, blatantly seeking to control others or lacking compassion towards others' needs, feelings, and experiences.
Intention:
Self-care aims to renew ourselves and maintain personal well-being while selfishness seeks personal gain without regard for others and often prioritizes short-term gratification.
Impact on Others:
Self-care considers the needs and well-being of others seeking to create win-win situations. Selfishness disregards the needs of others; people may be viewed and used only as a means to an end.
By understanding these differences, individuals can ensure their self-care practices remain rooted in genuine well-being rather than becoming self-centered pursuits that neglect the needs and feelings of those they care about.
Over the years, I’ve discovered that my joy often hinges on how well I’ve taken care of myself. My joy is definitely lower when I ignore my needs. What does go up when I skip self-care is resentment.
So, what are solid reasons in defense of self-care? Here are five.
Self-care is not a luxury. It is your primary defense against stress, sickness, and burnout. When people consistently neglect their needs, they:
All good reasons to prioritize self-care. Self-care is foundational to a healthy and happy life.
Consistent and regular self-care directly enhances our well-being by:
Again, I’m sure you’d agree that these are all important to healthy living. And when a person can regulate their emotions and respond with resilience, no matter what life throws at us, they can rebound.
This benefit is a big one. Couples come to me with problems in their relationship and most often one or both are entirely exhausted. Self-care has been pushed aside, and they start focusing on what’s wrong with their partner and lives. The survival brain has kicked in to protect them and it becomes detrimental to a healthy relationship.
However, when we care for ourselves, we WANT to connect, share, and support one another. The immediate response when we feel cared for is to care for others.
Therefore, self-care helps us to be:
Again, who can argue with these results?!
If you don’t believe me, experiment and go without self-care for a few weeks. You’ll find out just how vital taking responsibility for our needs really is!
Self-care directly influences productivity and achievement. Have you ever tried to be productive at work without sleep? What about the last time you skipped exercise for way too long and your energy is dragged?
By caring for ourselves, we can show up for life far better! Regular self-care supports us AND our productivity both in our personal lives and professional lives by:
When our children see us caring for ourselves as parents, it gives them a guide for taking care of themselves. Self-care communicates the importance of taking responsibility for our own well-being and not depending on others to meet our needs. They witness how much more vitality and resilience we (and they) have when we care for ourselves. (My kids used to encourage me to take time for self-care because I was SO much more patient and fun to be with!)
It also provides essential life skills and encourages skill building. And it's also been shown that children who engage in self-care often exhibit better emotional regulation and behavior due to improved mood, increased resilience, and enhanced coping mechanisms.
By instilling self-care habits early, children develop a foundation that will benefit them as they grow into their adulthood, helping them manage future life stressors. When self-care is a daily family routine, parents create a positive environment that supports their children's overall development and well-being.
Self-care is NOT selfish—it's a fundamental investment in one's ability to show up fully and authentically in all areas of life.
Do yourself a favor: love yourself by meeting your needs EVERY DAY!
You’ll be glad you did.
Related Reading: Parents Need Self-Care to Be Their Best Self
If you want personalized support to reach your goals and learn to give yourself what you deserve, contact us at Heartmanity! We specialize in transforming lives and relationships!