We tolerate bad habits and unhealthy behaviors for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes we don't even recognize how much we've adjusted to something until we notice how much it's costing us.
Many times tolerations and compromises live in our marriages and most cherished relationships: Disrespect. Sharp words. Busy schedules. Small omissions. Unresolved and painful conflicts. Broken promises eroding trust. Why do we make suffering our bed partner?
Estimated reading time: 3 minutes
Many years ago, I overheard my mom tell someone in an unhappy marriage, "You've made your bed, and now you have to sleep in it." It never made sense to me. This saying conveyed a message that no one gets to choose differently or learn from their mistakes. This phrase indicates that we are powerless to recreate a better outcome, and therefore we should just get used to settling.
Tolerating is the acceptance that life and our relationships can't grow. Yet, we are not victims. We create the quality of our lives and relationships—one thought, one feeling, and one action at a time.
Related reading: "Love Is a Choice—the Best Marriage Advice!"
Feeling stuck or putting up with a bad habit or behavior, especially in relationships, helps no one and holds our love hostage.
A tiny example of toleration of mine years ago occurred while visiting hot springs with a friend. As we talked, an annoying spurt of hot water from the fountain kept hitting me in the face, like an oscillating sprinkler whipping the side of a house. After five minutes, I finally moved out of range to avoid the squirt. My girlfriend remarked, “I wondered how long you were going to tolerate that slap of water in your face.”
Why did I wait so long to be more comfortable?
We use all kinds of justifications when we tolerate something: “I'm too busy." “It's no big deal.” "Just push through." "They didn't mean it." Yes, my discomfort was minor, but it represents how we give in to the lower road in love and marriage, too. By ignoring what was happening, I was submitting to my conditioning—doing what was familiar (suffering) and not paying attention to the present moment to make a different decision.
The psychological term is Operant Conditioning first introduced by B.F. Skinner. Repeated experiences can condition us to become accustomed to patterns—even ones we don't particularly like. What is familiar can begin to feel normal, which helps explain why we sometimes tolerate unkind words, disrespectful behavior, or unhealthy relationship habits longer than we realize.
What should you do when a comment or behavior from your partner is unwelcome and feels disrespectful? As uncomfortable as it can be, honest communication is key to shifting these patterns—and it’s essential for a healthy relationship.
It’s easy to assume your partner should “just know” what hurts or bothers you, but often, they have no idea. No one is a mind reader! Expressing empathy toward our partner while also communicating our needs is crucial. Holding onto silent resentment only feeds unconscious negative interaction habits.
When something feels off, take a breath and let your partner know—preferably before irritation grows roots.
A gentle “I felt hurt/disrespected, when…. Can we talk about it?” helps shift interactions into more loving communication. Think of it as an act of love on behalf of the relationship rather than passively hoping your partner’s behavior will stop on its own.
Here are a few tips for communicating when something crosses the line:
Of course, knowing what to say and being able to say it when you're hurt or angry are two very different things. Communication is a skill, and like any skill, it becomes easier as we learn and practice more effective ways of responding.
Related reading: "Is Your Relationship Communication Stifling or Deepening Your Love?"
So, how can we break the cycle of toleration—especially when it comes to disrespect?
Setting boundaries is a crucial step. Healthy boundaries are like fences that signal where mutual respect begins and ends. By clearly expressing what is and isn’t acceptable for us, we communicate our preferences, needs, and values directly, which in turn invites our partner to step up in greater kindness and self-awareness.
Here’s the secret: When we lovingly, yet firmly, reinforce these limits, this simple act interrupts old, harmful patterns (think Pavlov’s dogs, but with emotional intelligence). A side note: just this morning my husband and I were remarking how our Bernedoodle knew exactly the moment we poured our coffee because that’s when he gets fed or a bully stick treat. Conditioning at its best!
We can't control how another person behaves, but we can become clearer about what we will participate in, accept, and reinforce.
Over time, as these boundaries become part of daily interactions, they encourage both partners to reflect on their behavior before lines are crossed.
Standing up for yourself doesn’t require harsh ultimatums. Firm and loving boundaries create a space where both people can thrive. Remember, relationships improve not by letting acrimony fester, but by honoring your own well-being. When you choose to do so, you begin to rewrite the script of what’s possible in love.
The more we define and clarify for our partner, loving behavior becomes a habit!
Recommended reading: "Want Inner Peace and Happy Relationships? Get Healthy Boundaries!"
One thing I find so fascinating about our brain is that whatever becomes routine is delegated to the unconscious mind for speed and efficiency.
It takes conscious awareness to be present to our partner and to change bad habits. And when we raise our awareness and heighten appreciation of our partner daily making it habitual, we reignite honeymoon feelings, yet they grow at a deeper, more mature level.
Unconscious habits can work for us—or against us.
If you develop healthy relationship habits, like creating regular and quality time together as a couple, the bonding strengthens your relationship.
If you allow distance and strife to grow between you, it will become a habit that works against you.
Changes—big and small—are forged by making smart choices.
One key I’ve found to be helpful is to focus on a small action first, make it a habit, then another. If we do one thing regularly that increases connection in our relationship (an enthusiastic welcome, an unexpected gift, a compassionate word when our partner lashes out), it becomes a habit and gets easier.
Find those small actions that become the glue to your relationship and make them habits!
We can learn to interrupt the impulse to yell or snap and give ourselves time to calm down before responding. With awareness and practice, we can become more patient and intentional in how we respond.
Every moment and each day is an opportunity to invest in our love and connection.
Make loving behavior a habit!
Related reading: If You Want a Successful Marriage, Increase Self-Mastery
Sometimes, despite your best efforts to cultivate positive relationship patterns and rekindle connection, a relationship remains mired in disrespect or negativity.
It IS possible for one person to shift the dynamics of a relationship by focusing intentionally on their own growth and healing. Setting healthy boundaries and changing how you participate in established patterns can sometimes create an opportunity for the relationship to change, too.
While small daily choices and loving gestures can move mountains, if you find yourself making the same efforts—over and over—only to be met with continued disregard, hurtful behavior, or a lack of meaningful change, it may be time to consider a new direction.
Also, if disrespect includes threats, intimidation, coercion, violence, or concerns about your safety, seek appropriate professional support rather than relying on relationship strategies alone.
An objective and skilled professional can help you gain perspective, strengthen communication skills, and determine what may still be possible in the relationship. Sometimes learning to interact in a completely new way can change patterns that once felt impossible to shift.
Give yourselves the opportunity and space to improve, communicate openly about the issues, and genuinely attempt to shift the habits together.
However, there may come a point when choosing to walk away honors your need for emotional safety, respect, and growth.
But if you're the only one invested in positive change—or the cycle of hurt only deepens—it's important to consider your own well-being, too. Making a decision from a place of clarity and strength can bring resolution and peace.
Lasting love is built on mutual respect, care, and appreciation.
If those building blocks have deteriorated, know that letting go can create space for a healthier, more nurturing partnership in the future. In the end, it’s about choosing what truly strengthens your life and well-being.
Most of us want relationships built on mutual respect, kindness, honesty, and trust. But wanting those things doesn't mean we automatically know how to create them—especially when a relationship becomes strained.
It's one thing to know that you need to speak up or set a boundary. It's another to find the words when someone has hurt you, remain grounded when a conversation gets tense, or respond effectively when the other person reacts in a way you didn't expect.
Those are skills, and they can be learned.
That's one of the reasons I'm creating the Heartmanity Community—a supportive online community to strengthen emotional intelligence skills, bring the real-life situations and relationship challenges you're facing, and develop more effective ways of communicating and responding.
Because healthier relationships aren't created by knowing the right answers. They're built through the way we learn to show up for ourselves and each other.
The Heartmanity Community is coming soon. If you'd like to know when we open the doors, join the waitlist. Email mightysupport@heartmanity.com for more information.
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