I have a fear, and I don’t believe there is a medical term for it yet. Although it most likely exists among other childrearing folks. It’s the fear of placing my kids in public situations, such as restaurants, weddings, airplanes, and holiday parties, even if they say they are the “kid-friendly” kind.
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Ever since my first child could walk, he’d end up crawling through the legs of other diners or to the off-limits kitchen of a restaurant before I was even shown to my table.
By the time I had two kids walking, both boys, it was double the trouble.
At one “kid-friendly” restaurant, a woman told me that my boys ruined her dinner by being so out of control. I felt terrible. I explained that since I live with all boys, I might have subconsciously blocked out some of my auditory senses in a Darwin/survival kind of way. She didn’t think that was as funny as I did.
Following that, I had an airplane experience that made me avoid flying again for a couple of years and a number of other party mishaps where my kids got a little too raucous (like jumping on nice couches). I was rapidly developing a fear of bringing my kids into adult-centric situations where I was potentially setting them, and myself, up for failure, while potentially ruining someone else’s good time.
Along our journey as parents, my husband and I took Jennifer William’s “Redirecting Children’s Behavior Class,” and the techniques learned there have helped us develop a plan for preventing “misbehavior” or redirecting their behavior in public. These include:
Choose your situations carefully. The five-star restaurants can wait until date night. With kids, choose the restaurants with the play zones and the kid meals.
Ease them into situations. Start small, and let them work their way up. You don’t have to eat out every week. Instead, as they get used to dining situations, you can introduce them to more new ones.
Let the kids strategize. Let them come up with some ideas to structure their activities in public. Ask them what they think is appropriate restaurant behavior, and let them help set the guidelines.
Spotlight good behavior. When they are behaving well, make sure to let them know you’re proud of them, and reward them for good behavior.
Redirect and engage. If possibly, catch them before they start losing control, remind them of the guidelines and redirect them. Try starting a word game or a I-Spy game at the table to create engagement.
When in doubt, get out. If all else fails, get dinner to go, and remove them from the situation. It’s not ideal, but chances are that they won’t do it again.
Ask for feedback. When things didn’t turn out as you’d hoped, ask them what they think went wrong, and how it could be better the next time.
With age comes reason. You may have to pass up some social opportunities during the younger years, but it does get easier. My six-year-old is now a great diner. Because he’s at the age of reason, he understands why he can’t crawl under tables anymore.
Related reading: "Positive Parenting: 3 Strategies for Greater Patience."
I’m not hitting the fine dining scene with my kids in tow anytime soon, but I have found that my phobia is easing up. Together as a family we are navigating our way into public situations, and it’s actually becoming…fun.
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