Last week I saw an advertisement that said: "Compromise is for marriage, but never for wine!" It made me think about how in our culture, we accept that relationships require compromise. In one article I read, the author said, "Compromise—no matter how difficult—is a necessary part of any successful, enduring marriage."
The idea was that once we say "for better or for worse," we need to get used to making concessions to the other person when settling our conflicts. So what if afterward, we're resentful, discouraged, disappointed, frustrated, and disillusioned? Get over it—compromise is just part of the deal! Or is it?
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I emphatically disagree. Not only is compromise NOT a recipe for success in relationships, but compromise is exactly why so many marriages fail.Why Compromise Doesn't Work in Relationships
If we come to the bargaining table expecting to compromise in relationships, we'll walk away a loser almost every time.
That's because when we expect to compromise, we rarely use our imagination or go after what makes us happiest in the relationship. Nor do we ever reach a real understanding of each other and unearth what our partner truly values or what is underneath a need, feeling, desire, or goal.
If we assume that we already know what our partner wants or that they know what we want, communication is already muddied.
Or if we go into negotiations with the notion that a particular goal is more important to our partner than it actually is or that they will throw a hissy-fit if we don't go along, we may not bring 100% to the negotiations. I've worked with many couples over the past couple of decades, and trying to "keep the peace" is a silent compromise but often a tremendous loss, too.
If we already believe relationships are just about keeping the peace or that there is no way for both of us to be happy, then compromise will be a part of our lives—because what we believe is what we create.
We tend to resign ourselves to compromise in marriage or relationships—not because it's necessary or effective but because we've been conditioned to believe that it's necessary or helpful.
Compromising is a lazy way of interacting.
We've learned to get our needs met indirectly and to trade our own happiness for another's happiness. Instead of going to bat for a dynamic solution that far exceeds what we can possibly imagine individually, we've learned to compromise. But when we give up ourselves for another's wishes, it backfires every time.
Why would anyone want to be in a relationship or marriage when they have to give up their dreams, desires, and happiness?
In a Time article, "Recipe for a Happy Marriage: the Seven Scientific Secrets," Eric Barker states some research that shows that married couples should keep a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. When both partners in a relationship make happiness their own responsibility and both commit to listening to the needs and desires of each other, this ratio is achievable.
However, if you expect your partner to make you happy or if you don't support your partner's fulfillment, this ratio will get off balance. So remember, for every snarky comment, you'll need to counter it with five positives!
Wouldn't it be easier just to create a habit of loving, encouraging, and creating win-win solutions?
Champion What Is Important to Each Other
Two strong individuals with healthy self-esteem create the most successful relationships. They can be dramatically different in every way, but these couples have a knack for championing what is important to each other. Instead of settling on a compromise that will disappoint them both, they look for ways for both of them to be happy—even thrilled.
Having a goal of creating an ideal outcome stimulates us to solve the problem in new ways. And if we go a step further and choose to see unlimited possibility, our creativity goes into overdrive; then, we find amazing solutions we didn't previously understand were possible.
When we look for and commit to win-win solutions rather than settling for compromise, we discover some very creative ways to move from conflict to understanding, from competing to a synergy that creates novel solutions. This new attitude greatly enhances a relationship.
Compromise in marriage is unnecessary when we love ourselves enough to give voice to our needs and desires while also caring for our partner's happiness, too.
Take Compromise Out of Your Vocabulary!
There was a time in my marriage when we were raising three small children and our budget was extremely tight. Due to financial constraints, we chose to go out only once a month. We were trying to plan for our next date (within a specified budget). My husband really wanted to go to a particular movie, but I wanted to go to my favorite restaurant for a gourmet meal. If we had compromised, either we would have gone to his movie (and I would have had to cook dinner as usual—and been resentful) OR I would have had a nice dinner out (and he would have missed his movie—and possibly been resentful).
And would he have thoroughly enjoyed the movie, knowing I was unhappy? Probably not.
And could I have thoroughly enjoyed the gourmet meal, knowing he was disappointed? How would that compromise have helped us build a successful, enduring marriage?
It took a bit of talking, but we figured out a solution. Since I really only wanted a night off from cooking, my husband volunteered to grill my favorite meal; we spent some quality time with our children, and then we went to a later showing of the movie he wanted to see—not just a win-win but a win-win-win solution!
When my husband and I talked more about this new way of seeing things, a whole new concept unfolded for us. We found that there is always a way to express our love and stay connected while creating a win for us both. A light bulb went off: if our attention focused on creating more closeness and love in our relationship, a solution would reveal itself and allow us to shift more easily to generating a win-win solution. The more we practiced, the easier it became until compromise disappeared from our vocabulary and our decisions.
Below are some easy yet effective keys to creating win-win solutions and eliminating the need to compromise. Remember: neither partner goes along with an idea until they are both truly happy.
Related topic: "Love Is a Choice—the Best Marriage Advice!"
Marriage Tips to Create Win-Win Solutions
Calm yourself to be able to truly listen to each other.
When we hit a bump in our communication, we can get stuck because of the way we perceive the other person's behavior. Sometimes our partner's behavior feels like an attack (because they are upset or angry), or we think that they don't care about what we want (when we encounter resistance and blocking).
Take some time to calm yourselves. Get in touch with your love for your partner. Then, once you've come back to your heart and feel your love for one another, revisit the subject from this calmer place.
Get curious about what is driving the emotion behind a desire or need.
Being curious keeps you from making incorrect assumptions about your partner's motivation. (Trust me, after decades of marriage, I learned just how easy it is to "assume" what my husband was thinking and feeling. Don't!)
For instance, a couple I coached hit a roadblock about how to spend their next vacation. The wife wanted to visit her parents as usual, but her husband was adamant that he didn't want to visit them this year! The husband shared with me that this was a repetitive conflict since his wife was extremely close with her family. It was her go-to for every vacation.
I convinced him to express his true desire for travel, to be alone with her romantically, and to enjoy some adventures together before they had children. I also coached him to say upfront that he realized how much her family meant to her. Instead of getting defensive and upset, the wife felt heard and moved to curiosity.
Guess what?
She discovered something new and beautiful: her husband was trying to create something special for them as a couple, not keep her from her family!
They worked out a great resolution that they both felt elated about.
It is impossible to reach an outcome that makes both partners happy without understanding and truly listening.
When a conflict arises, seek to understand.
Many times we assume we know what is important to each other, but we're often incorrect. When you have a conflict, get to the core of what is really important to each of you. If your partner talks about buying a jeep, it may not be the actual jeep he wants as much as the freedom and adventure the vehicle represents.
Or if your partner wants to buy a whole new set of living room furniture, she may yearn for the creativity and fun she misses from the interior design job she gave up when becoming a stay-at-home mom.
There may be other ways to get adventure or creativity needs met without spending thousands of dollars!
Seeking to understand requires us to calm ourselves, to "stop, drop, and roll" like we have all been taught as children in fire drills at school, but emotionally.
Ask open-ended questions that lead to meaningful dialogue—and happy resolutions.
Related reading: "How to Communicate to Create a Drama-Free Marriage."
Move from "me" to "we."
When we move from "me" (me-me-me!) to "we," we cultivate a new and extraordinary way of being together.
It's no longer about "self-ishness" that swings to compromise; it is about "we-ishness," where we create a daily experience that transcends a habitual way of interacting and becomes one of discovery. We see things from a growth mindset that keeps us alert to opportunities to ensure that each of us is thriving within the relationship.
This process takes commitment and requires transparency and honesty. The big payoff is a relationship that keeps getting sweeter instead of souring on the vine.
Compromise may not be for wine, but it's not for marriage either! Take compromise out of your vocabulary and start creating more fun. When a relationship moves from "me" to "we" in a loving and synergistic way, it forms a strong foundation of love and caring. It becomes a way of life!
The quality of our love life and relationship is up to us. Try these keys and discover a wonderful way of interacting that moves you from compromise to lasting happiness.
If you'd like a customized plan and additional support to create a thriving relationship, check out Heartmanity's premarital and marriage coaching programs or reach out to us at support@heartmanity.com.
