Why is it so difficult for people to ask for help? Is it because we associate asking for help with vulnerability, with being weak, with not being enough?
I have a girlfriend who’s a total selfless giver. She’ll watch my children so that I can get some exercise, be the first to drop off a home-cooked meal if I’m laid up, and is always there to listen to my drawn-out complaints about this and that. But when it comes time to reciprocate, she often refuses the help. Even after she recently had surgery, and her friends wanted to pitch in, she was squeamish about being on the other end of the helping chain. There is power in vulnerability, but it takes courage to allow others to help.
Emotional Intelligence: Couples Support for a Drama-Free Marriage
Many people are the same way when it comes to needing emotional help; they’re more than happy to give, but not as willing to take. Maybe it’s our perfectionist society, where people nonchalantly ask, “How are you?” and expect your answer to always be, “Fine, thanks.” If we actually told people exactly how we felt that day, we might appear somewhat broken. Asking for help is part of emotional intelligence;
Admitting that your relationship with your husband is suffering, that you might be stuck in a rut career-wise, or that your life with kids feels completely out of control is a big step for people. But why? Hasn’t everyone been there at some point or another? And doesn’t it feel good to be proactive, taking steps to feel better rather than being reactive, trying to navigate a whirlwind of emotions each day?
As Brené Brown in "The Power of Vulnerability," says "Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive." Asking for help requires courage and a willingness to be transparent.
Related reading: "The Best Marriage Advice: An Intentional Marriage Is a Happy Marriage."
Enlisting Support Requires Vulnerability
Each person has their own set of reasons for not seeking help: they don’t know how to talk to someone about their issues, they don’t want to appear weak, they don’t want people to think they’re crazy, they don’t feel like they can trust anyone with their secrets, and the list goes on.
And men seem to be particularly averse to seeking professional help. I can’t tell you how many people have told me that they’d love to try couple’s counseling, but their husband would never go for it. Maybe it’s similar to the phenomenon of men not asking for directions. But just like many people, asking for help is hard.
I’ll never forget the first time I reached out for professional help. In my case, I was about to hit rock bottom in my relationship, and I was learning how to be a mother to two rowdy young boys. I kept reaching for the phone, and then things would seem OK again for a little while, so for a long time, I kept postponing the call. Then the periods of OK kept getting shorter and shorter, and when I literally couldn’t take it anymore, I was a bawling mess by the time I first spoke to Jennifer of Heartmanity.
I was fortunate to have a husband who wasn’t afraid to jump onto the rescue raft and meet with Jennifer as well. By asking for help, we were no longer just putting Band-Aids on our wounds, but we were healing them all together.
Today, because we asked for help, we have skills to rely on and are in a totally different place: in a happy relationship (at least most of the time, but nobody’s perfect, right?). Asking for help was one of the hardest things we’ve ever done. It was also one of the best things we’ve ever done.
Don't be afraid to reach out for help. If you're feeling overwhelmed or discouraged, call the folks at Heartmanity at 406-577-2100. The support will make all the difference!
Related reading: "How to Find Inner Peace by Resolving Conflicting Feelings."
Check out Heartmanity's premarital counseling and marriage coaching.
